For the past two weeks or so I have been having an inner fight with myself to overcome depression, and I have not been winning.
I’ve been laying in bed with no sense of purpose. Skipping classes, skipping homework assignments, letting my house become a wreck, snapping on people who care about me, separating myself from the world, wishing that I could just ball up and take a break.
But that is impossible when you have children. Especially when you’re doing it on your own.
I found myself waking up in the morning, putting on a smile for my boys, driving them to school and daycare, coming back home to wallow in my feelings, accomplishing nothing the entire day and then putting my smile back on to go and pick them up. Once they were sleeping at night, my smile would be gone again and I would wallow until the next morning where I would start all over.
But they deserve so much better than that. I deserve better than that.
There is this mindset that some people, including me, have these days that you have to have it all, now. But the truth is that no one immediately has it all. Success takes time, no matter what it is you are trying to succeed at. Happiness takes time and you have to work at it to find it. Everyone starts at one point and the way that they move through the hardships and pain defines the points they will get to in the future.
I have not had the creativity to write, the want to be myself on social media, the desire to be the wonderful mother that I usually am. I have been at a standstill, and it has been driving me crazy. So I would sit and stew about being a failure and driving myself crazy, but that just made me even crazier.
I am beginning this week, on a Tuesday, with a different attitude, a promise to take everything one step at a time, a decision to no longer wallow in my feelings but to get up and work to get to where I want to be. A plan to live my best life as I always say that I will.
This morning, I woke up feeling overwhelmingly inspired to write this blog, in hopes that it would help me to feel better and help others who may be going through something similar. And honestly, this is a step in the right direction for me.
I have decided that everything is a process. Whether it is moving forward, gaining knowledge or failing at something; it is all a part of the process of growth. The most important thing is to continue to move through it all.
Writing this has already made me feel much better. And even if only one person can relate and understand that you are not the only one going through it and that you can get yourself out of it if you work hard enough, then that is good enough for me.
I am deciding, in this moment, to be better, do better and to trust the process that is life.